New Salisbury Herald
M A I N N E W S
Salisbury, Rhodesia. Issue no. 1

THE NEW SALISBURY HERALD

is
A regular, if somewhat irregular, chronicle of news on: The Rhodesian Government in Exile

  • NEW EXILE RHODESIAN GOVERNMENT FORMED TODAY!

    Sapa Rooters

    Today the newly-appointed Prime Minister of the Rhodesian Government in exile issued a statement declaring that he and his cabinet will in future be guiding the course of Rhodesian affairs, attending to matters of state, appointing ambassadors to lands far and away, and generally preparing for the return of the Rhodesian Empire into responsible hands - his.

    "A new Constitution and Bill of Rights will be formulated to safeguard the rights and freedoms of all Rhodesians throughout the world," he is quoted as saying, "we are making progress, but there is still a lot of work to be done, and no time for shilly-shallying." After a brief pause to ask his personal secretary what time "Baywatch" was due to start, he continued: "A dozen ministers have already been appointed, and will start their duties with immediate effect!"

    Members of the new Cabinet, circulating in the hall and partaking of the refreshments on hand, startled, looked up from froth-brimmed glasses and nodded assent. At least one, possibly the new Minister of Culture, was inspecting a Baywatch centerfold in the TV Guide and making notes in the margin. The Minister of Defence stalked grimly through the hall, scowling suspiciously at guest diplomats from Upyourjumperstan and fingering a well-thumbed copy of "Miniature Wars" by HG Wells. The Minister of Trade had a visiting dignitary cornered at one end of the hall and was waving garishly illustrated postcards at him while the latter nodded vigorously and produced his wallet. Near the door the Minister of Home Affairs could be seen greeting newly-arrived visitors, opening a bottle for each as they passed and shouting "Howzit my old China!" which was slightly puzzling as this reporter was unable to discern anyone of Chinese descent amongst the visiting dignitaries.

    The new PM's speech ended to a round of applause and hearty cries of "Here! Here!", as the drinks waiter passed by, from those who weren't otherwise engaged in weighty matters of State and/or weighty platters of plate piled high with a boorish-looking type of sausage. The gathering was to end with the singing of the new anthem, but, the words not yet being ready, lusty versions of traditional folksongs were rendered, unfamiliar to this reporter, but basically indicating that it is a long way to Mukumbura for Shumba drinkers who drinks a dozen a day, and eat sweet bananas, while the Saints go on the town. These quaint shanties nevertheless appeared to frighten off some of the visiting African dignitaries from Zambia, who rapidly exited the hall shouting something incoherent about green leaders being back.

    An often puzzling inauguration of the new Government in exile, from this reporter's viewpoint, but one that appeared to be a resounding success, if the wide grin on the barman's face was any measure. As the MPs trooped out supporting each other, the barman was seen pointing with satisfaction at a freshly-painted sign reading "In God we trust, the RLI pays cash!"

  • NEW AMBASSADORS TAKE OFFICE

    In Tennessee, to the strains of Johnny Horton's "Johnny Reb", the right Honourable Devereaux Cannon Jr. took office as the newly appointed Rhodesian Ambassador to the Confederacy and vice versa. He was seemingly unimpressed by the demonstration outside his office by a local chapter of the NAACP, pausing in his acceptance speech only to unleash his two Rhodesian Ridgebacks (Bubba and Daisy) and unlatch the door.

    In the Yukon the ceremony was postponed when the inauguration committee arrived bulging with fur, but still shivering, to find a notice reading "Gone Fishing" on the new Ambassador's igloo. The committee thereupon immediately retired to a haven down the road named "Big Sam's Golden Nugget Nudie Bar" to discuss further moves and view the local talent.

    Vic MacKenzie, filling the dual role of Ambassador to Canada, and Minister of Finance, has proudly announced the opening of his web site at the Rhodesian Ambassador's Site, which offers much-needed crash courses in diplomacy to members of the Rhodesian Government in Exile. His office is issuing foolproof Rhodesian passports and Situpas to anyone foolish enough to be fooled by them, as, like the original, they are guaranteed to get the bearer nowhere fast. The Ambassador denied rumours that he spends most of his working day doodling little pictures. Visitors to his web site may judge for themselves...

  • ZIM PREMIER PROTESTS

    A strongly worded protest note against the Rhodesian Government in Exile was handed in to the assistant of the vice chairperson of the advisory board to the sub-committee on "Fair Do's in Politics" at the UN today by a spokesman for the Zim Premier, who was unavailable for comment himself as he was travelling incognito in Switzerland wearing lederhose pants, to attend a banking convention. When asked for the text by this reporter, the Zim spokesman commented "well, I couldn't understand all of it, but the bits about imperialist running-dog lackeys sounded familiar," adding with a beaming face, "I was educated in China, you know, in that town that's named after a duck..."

  • NAME CHANGES UNRESOLVED

    The first meeting of a special committee of exiled Rhodesian MPs to discuss the "pros and cons" of yet again renaming cities and streets in Zimbabwe when the new Rhodesian Empire is reinstated, broke up in slight confusion, with no final decision made. At the outset one of the Ministers left in a huff claiming he had been under the impression that the purpose was to discuss loose women and jailbirds, and that he didn't give a .... about street names.

    Several Ministers became peeved when the motion to "change all names back to the original ones" was rejected on the grounds that this would involve renaming the country "Sofala", which was deemed unacceptable. Doubts were expressed as to whether this was in fact the "original name" of the country, with some Ministers claiming that the famous Ruins were in fact most probably built by errant Scotsmen in the Dark Ages, pointing to the receptacles recently unearthed there by scientists as being "obviously Scotch related". When advised that all the receptacles were found empty, they simply said "Well, that proves it then!"

    Another dissenting Minister became excited and to prove his point rushed out into the street, collared a passing Bushman (San) and dragged him, protesting vociferously, into the meeting. Triumphantly the Minister demanded that the San (Bushman) inform the gathering of the country's real original name! Minutes later, the now crestfallen Minister had to concede defeat after the Bushman (San) rattled off something in indigenous Bushtalk (Sanprattle) which sounded suspiciously like a flock of wild Geese defecating simultaneously on a corrugated iron roof, admitting that this name might cause problems for map-makers, Geography teachers and dictionary compilers. A further attempt to elicit a description of what the country's earliest flag might have looked like in Bushman days, by using sign language to the by now bemused Sanman (Bush), was hastily abandoned when the latter removed his loincloth and started to mimic the Minister by waving it over his head and marching back and forth.

    After the wildly protesting Bushman, who had begun to enjoy the limelight, had been bodily ejected with a hurried vote of thanks ringing in his ears, the meeting was adjourned. Ministers left by the back door, leaving security officials behind to remove several poisoned arrows from the front door.

    A second meeting will be held in December to discuss the subject further, and the Salisbury Herald will again bring a full report.

Editorial Disclaimer:
Contributions may or may not reflect editorial policy, mostly they will, but not necessarily so on occasion, or even in all cases. Just like girls - sometimes they will, sometimes they won't...


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NOTE
Letters to the editor will be accepted for publication in future issues. Please sign with your full name if expressing controversial opinions, and if resident in Zim, include directions for finding your house, where possible using old street names for the benefit of those older members of the CIO who have not quite mentally adjusted to the new order yet. A copy of your letter pasted in a front window, with a large painted arrow pointing at your front door would be greatly appreciated.


LETTERS
Letters for publication may be sent to THE EDITOR. All letters will be treated with the utmost, impartial, respect for freedom of speech, but we reserve the right to distort them where necessary, change wording at will, and otherwise reverse all opinions expressed in them. Profane letters will not be published, but will be placed in the editor's private collection along with any "artistic" photos of themselves that female readers may wish to contribute.

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