New Salisbury Herald
M A I N N E W S
Salisbury, Rhodesia. Issue no. 2.

THE NEW SALISBURY HERALD

is
A regular, if somewhat irregular, chronicle of news on: The Rhodesian Government in Exile

  • FLAG-RAISING RE-ENACTMENT CEREMONY HELD

    Sapa Rooters

    From our special roving reporter

    The Rhodesians are coming...

    To add extra emphasis to the claims of the Rhodesian Government in exile to its legitimacy as sole seat of authority in what will soon become the new Rhodesian Empire, a re-enactment of the original pioneer flag-raising ceremony was held today in Earthendamudzi in neighbouring Mozambique, close to the disputed border.

    A delegation from the exile Government flew in from Azania in their newly acquired Junkers Ju 52 (christened "Junk" by the troops for short) of "New Air Rhodesia". This airplane was purchased in great secrecy last month from the Upper Tongan Air Force, which is upgrading its equipment to Dakotas and selling off its surplus airplanes. Mechanics from Germany were flown in at great expense to overhaul the craft and refurbish the interior. The Minister of Transport was quoted as saying just before take-off: "very cheerful chaps, these Germans, they never stopped laughing while they worked..."

    At the border the trip was delayed slightly while the Ministers, who had been celebrating their maiden flight, made an emergency stop to let out the maidens and visit the Gents. After the plane took off again, border officials on the Mozambique side were seen scurrying for cover as extra weight in the form of Lion bottles was jettisoned from every aperture in the plane to a lusty chorus of "Seek and strike, strike from above..." from the pilot as he buzzed the tower, before proceeding further north to the border with Zim.

    After a 20 minute flight, the co-pilot cheerfully contacted the radio operator at Earthendamudzi and informed him "Earthendamudzi tower, this is Junk leader, we will be circling your airfield any time now, do not, repeat do not, attempt to interfere with our landing, or we will do a Junk on any Air Force plane that attempts to take off, did you copy all that?" After five minutes of silence, the co-pilot sheepishly changed the frequency to the correct one and repeated the message. A terse reply from the airfield informed him that there were "no bloody planes within five hundred miles" since all three surviving fighters of the Mozambique Air Force had been grounded a year ago after the one remaining pilot emigrated. The others had been hidden in deep underground bunkers in the bush in the 1980s to avoid destruction by raiding SAAF planes, and now no-one could remember exactly where they were.

    An apologetic voice from a Zim forward airfield, crackling with static, interrupted at this point to advise the co-pilot that all four serviceable ZAF planes were at that time on a top priority mission escorting a Boeing back from Johannesburg after "picking up some shopping for Her Nibs" and that they would not be available for defence purposes for at least a week, and would Junk Leader mind terribly if they gave this one a miss...?

    As the "Junk" circled the airfield, the Minister of Defence could be seen near the rear of the plane struggling to restrain the Field Marshall, bristling with parachutes and weapons, from jumping in order to personally secure the landing ground for the plane, shouting "Outnumbered, hell, there can't be more than about 20 of 'em down there! I'll only use one hand if that'll even the odds for them...!"

    Nevertheless the landing proceeded in good order, with casualties restricted to two goats mashed while meandering across the landing strip. Tents were set up around the plane and refreshments served. The Field Marshall prowled around the perimeter of the camp, shouting "Freddy, Freddy, come out wherever you are!" and sending a scruffy student (who sauntered up and nervously introduced himself as Fred Moyo) off with a flea in his ear and a heavy army boot in his rear, which the Field Marshall gleefully declared to be 'poetic justice'.

    The flag-raising ceremony planned for dawn the next day was hurriedly rescheduled for noon after the Minister of Health declined to get out of bed, muttering something about "...this ungodly hour, got a ruddy headache, now bugger off and send in the boy with the tea..."

    At noon, the company paraded outside and raised the Green and White instead of the Union Flag the pioneers had used, on the grounds that they didn't want "that bloody pansy Blair getting the wrong idea about who was doing the colonising this time!" Not having a cannon handy, a shotgun was used to fire the salute, and it took some 10 minutes to calm down the tower official as he ran around pleading "not my chickens, baas, please, not my chickens!"

    Late that night, having suitably celebrated a successful ceremony, the Ministers all trooped off to the nearby Zim border post to take a leak on the post's vegetable garden, turn around all the signposts and plant fake lion spoor between the huts of the sleeping guards. The Minister of Justice, somewhat unfocussed, spent a happy 10 minutes chalking passable portraits of the Zim PM on the doors of the huts.

    Scorning the lack of night navigation equipment in the aircraft, the pilot took off, declaring that he could "find my way home blindfolded", explaining the stopover in Beira several hours later as "just a spot check to see if the ocean was still in the same place... I knew where we were all the time, honest!"

  • SECOND MEETING TO DISCUSS NAME CHANGES

    Fortified by several crates of Castle, with a bottle of Vodka for Minister Sharp, which had some of the other Ministers regarding the Russian label with a measure of suspicion (quickly allayed by Minister Sharp who explained that Minister Whitehead had procured it for him during a recent secret mission to Poland to buy illicit pressings of Abba CDs) the cabinet gathered again to discuss name changes for the new Rhodesian Empire. Discussions on this occasion centered on street names and public facilities, with a consensus of opinion agreeing that the newly opened "Civilis Clinic" in 'Salisbury' be renamed 'Farmer Bob's Clinic' to give it a more friendly facade so as not to frighten off potential patients.

    After discussing this subject several Ministers excused themselves to pop outside and have a quick puke (blaming it on the beer). Discussions then continued on street names, with Machel Avenue being first to go on the grounds that the Minister of Information had 'never heard of anyone having such a daft name to start with', and proposing the more healthy alternative of 'Claudia Schiffer Avenue'. Other street names were quickly disposed of in the same fashion, with some of the Ministers inadvertently revealing their age by suggesting such unknowns as 'Betty Grable' and 'Brigitte Bardot' for street names.

  • CONFUSION AT ZIM-MOZAMBIQUE BORDER

    Reports have been coming in recently concerning motor cars milling around a Zim border post, with angry automobilists demanding to know why they were being misdirected at the border. The drivers have complained to the authorities that the border guards also appear to be trigger happy, refusing to leave their huts and firing randomly into the bush at the slightest sound. Several dogs, goats and ZU students on field courses have apparently been shot as a result. A number of the border officials reported being sick, and doctors rushed in from Harare have admitted to being stumped, stating only that in their opinion the guards appeared to be suffering from some form of alcohol-related food poisoning. Samples were being sent to the UN for analysis in case it represented an attack by a third force using chemical warfare. Unconfirmed reports speak of a student staggering across the border in a state of shock and with a bad case of hemorrhoids after being assaulted by a "ten foot tall white imperialist mercenary" who spoke in some foreign language, calling him a "foot sack". Witchdoctors have been called in to try to divine the meaning of strange voodoo symbols found chalked on the doors of huts at the border. Initial inspections, and much casting of old chicken bones, have produced the opinion that these represented some evil troll that would devour the land and suck the villagers dry.

  • NEW RHODESIAN PASSPORTS ESSENTIAL FOR CITIZENS

    Minister of Transport MacKenzie has undertaken production of the new Rhodesian passports, which are now required documents for all Rhodesians, the new Head of Customs and Immigration having in no uncertain terms informed the Minister of Defence that he can "invade the bloody country if he wants, but his troops better have the proper documents when they cross the border!"

    Tasked by the PM about whether the new passport was sufficiently foolproof against forgery, the Minister indignantly declared that it was a "veritable work of art, old boy, and it has a hidden watermark that only a Rhodesian could spot!" An example presented to the new Rhodesian Bureau of Standards for testing brought forth an enigmatic report stating that the 'watermark' on the paper should more properly be termed a 'castlemark' and could only be produced by a Rhodesian, which seemed to prove eminently satisfying to the PM...

  • SPECIAL REPORT - WINNIE AT TRC UPDATE

    by our special reporter Goodyear Burndebest

    Winnie was scoring a few points at the TRC recently with the incisive cut and thrust of her knife-sharp testimony. Teenage fans of the great lady thronged the hall, seemingly on a knife-edge of expectancy, anticipating that the cutting thrust of her testimony would permanently terminate the life expectancy of all opposition to her candidacy for the position of vice-president.

    "She will run rings around her accusers and set them ablaze with her inflammatory rhetoric," a follower proudly burbled, "her fiery arguments are irresistible in such a highly inflammable situation, and we believe she will strike a spark among the observers and fan the flames of controversy at the TRC. Her torch will light the way! Her accusers will succumb to her pointed arguments and deflate like punctured balloons," the spokesman insisted, "she's just drop-dead wonderful and she's tailor made for the cut-throat arena of South African politics. She'll knock 'em all dead!"

    Commenting on her rather ashen appearance by the end of the day, one of her bodyguards (attending incognito in an FC Malan uniform) stated: "Yes, she tyres easily, but she's a match for them all, and the opposition to her candidacy will eventually burn itself out, leaving only a pile of extinguished stompies behind."

    Was her football team planning to have a shot at their competitors again this year, our reporter asked. "Our team can whip anyone who tries to stand against us," the bodyguard proudly exclaimed, "we've already shot down the aspirations of many an opponent so far, and we're going to beat a path to the very top of the League! Our team has been raised in the school of hard knocks, and we don't expect any penalties to be awarded against us. Our tactics in the game are to cut corners, batter our way through their defences, shoot often, and score heavily. The opposition will scream blue murder when we stick it to them, but it won't help. They'll be goners..."


    PHOTO OF THE MONTH

    Government officials dubiously examine bribes...
    Officials of the Rhodesian Government in Exile dubiously examine bribes sent to them by other African nations eager to curry favour...
Editorial Disclaimer:
Contributions may or may not reflect editorial policy, mostly they will, but not necessarily so on occasion, or even in all cases. Just like girls - sometimes they will, sometimes they won't...



NOTE
Letters to the editor will be accepted for publication in future issues. Please sign with your full name if expressing controversial opinions, and if resident in Zim, include directions for finding your house, where possible using old street names for the benefit of those older members of the CIO who have not quite mentally adjusted to the new order yet. A copy of your letter pasted in a front window, with a large painted arrow pointing at your front door would be greatly appreciated.


LETTERS
Letters for publication may be sent to THE EDITOR. All letters will be treated with the utmost, impartial, respect for freedom of speech, but we reserve the right to distort them where necessary, change wording at will, and otherwise reverse all opinions expressed in them. Profane letters will not be published, but will be placed in the editor's private collection along with any "artistic" photos of themselves that female readers may wish to contribute.

FM Venter on patrol
FM Venter

The new passport
Rhodesian passport

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