At this stage the Rhodesian Government in Exile is able to meet many, if not all, of the basic requirements for membership of the OAU, based on precedents and the qualifications of current members, namely:
1. Not having an economy to speak of as yet, we are the equal of any current member.
2. Not having held any kind of election as yet, but having appointed MPs by virtue of popular acclaim, much elbowing and muscling in, loud shouting and the odd corpse here and there, we feel that our Government has as much of an equal claim to legitimacy as any in the OAU. Our MPs excel in running up huge bills in foreign hotels, can hold long speeches on such vital questions as "Democratic Application of Gender in Positional Posturing" in Shona, and meet the intellectual requirements necessary for signing IOUs and Swiss Bank deposit slips.
3. Our military forces are in their infancy, but the corporal recently appointed Chief of Staff is ready at the drop of a hat, or a car backfiring, to step in and take over the Government whenever:
a. It is necessary for the Nation's and his salary's wellbeing.
b. That big fat bugger who is his Credit Sweesse bank director leans on him to supplement shortfalls.
c. He feels the urge as a result of boredom from not having shot anyone in ages.
d. The media require a new sensation and are willing to pay handsomely.
e. The neighbouring country did it, so it must be OK.
4. Our Government is just as clued up on important world affairs, so can argue for months about seating arrangements at any negotiating table along with the best of them.
5. Our Government espouses democracy, religious tolerance, civil rights, and political freedom for its members, and anyone else who doesn't like it gets life in jail, especially if they are a) foreigners, b) a different colour, c) missionaries, d) teetotal or e) voted for the wrong party before it became the right party by Presidential decree.
6. We are working hard to create overdrafts and debts, and will renege on promises to repay the IMF regularly, just as soon as we can persuade them to lend us anything.
7. We are ready and able to supply troops for combined peace-keeping operations, with only a few conditions:
a. The ruler of the troubled area must have been toppled by an equally qualified, legitimately certified megalomaniac with muti for turning enemy bullets into water.
b. The country's banks are in dire need of liberation of excess dinero (not to mention cash).
c. The cuca's and bottle stores have imported shumba and not the locally-concocted stuff.
d. There is lots of willing (or unwilling, who cares) crumpet with big bazoombahs and a minimum of socially unacceptable ailments.
e. Payment for services must be made into the Credit Sweesse account which our PM will whisper into the ear of whoever ends up footing the bill.
In return, our forces led by our recently promoted Field-Marshall (see point 3 above), guarantee to eventually depart the country concerned, leaving it and lots of female nether garments in total disarray, having adjusted any financial excess the country may have boasted, and providing enough work to keep future economic aid experts happily employed for decades to come.
8. In order to meet requirements set by precedent, but not obligatory, our PM was imprisoned for an unspecified length of time at the Harare Hilton where he suffered horribly by being forced to watch CNN 24 hours per day. In the event of an insurrection we pledge to immediately accept covert aid in the form of 80,000 troops from a secret source, whose supremo will remain anonymous, (he might be bearded and smoke foul-smelling cigars) and will stoutly deny any involvement and claim that the Yankees did it. When he's had his turn, our PM will plead ignorance or temporary insanity and then grudgingly allow the Yankees whose fault it all was to send in teams to inspect the chemical warfare installations disguised as breweries, and graciously accept their aid in the form of payments to a Credit Sweesse account which our PM will whisper in the ear of the reigning power in the USA, or, if she is absent, in her husband the President's, ear.
9. We are currently trying to find a substantial portion of our population which can be safely missed, and which can be persuaded to stage an insurrection which will take us completely by surprise. This can then be put down in the appropriate manner and also solve the problem of what to do with all our disused copper mines. If no substantial segment is found willing, we will spread rumours that Jacko is giving a concert at, and in benefit of, the local plastics factory, and then, when it is overflowing with insurrectionists, bomb it. We will immediately allow the UN and media to inspect the site six weeks later for clues, and will show them remnants of the huge amount of plastic explosive smuggled in by Jacko hidden in his body, or possibly by an undercover midget posing as a 10-year old toyboy. Slogans (plus a few Bushman paintings to give local atmosphere) found on a miraculously surviving piece of wall, engraved in the wet cement, saying "Free Willy" will point the accusing appendage at Jacko. (Note: Our claims must not seem too plausible as we don't want others to get the credit and jeopardise our application, so we should probably embellish the above with some exaggerations.)
10. As soon as we can find a suitable dissident to disapprove of our Government or say something subversive like "when's the next election, then?" we will have him incarcerated as a warning to others who might be tempted to ask similar unanswerable and ridiculous questions. We anticipate no shortage of these, and studies are already being scientifically conducted by the former doorman, now Professor of Inanimate Physics, at the university to see if voluntary confessions can be signed by people without fingernails. If not, the cleaning lady, now Patron of the School of Modern Art, can do it for them. Tests are also being conducted to see if it's possible for dissidents to accidentally fall to their deaths through barred windows on the ground floor.
11. A suitable Bill of Rights is being prepared by the head of CIO, and will be completed as soon as he finds a Greek dictionary. This to pre-empt any complaints about its clarity...
12. Finally, to celebrate our return to the fold of peace-loving, democratic, viable nations, we propose to invite a member of the British Royal Family to participate in the festivities arising from our successful admission. His identity will remain a secret for now, but all re-runs of the famous "Noddy" TV series have been cancelled to ensure that no inadvertent offence be given by toddlers claiming to recognise him as Noddy's consort...
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