New Salisbury Herald
M A I N N E W S
Salisbury, Rhodesia. Issue no. 5

THE NEW SALISBURY HERALD

is
A regular, if somewhat irregular, chronicle of news on: The Rhodesian Government in Exile

  • Parliamentary Debate -
    THE SLAVERY AND REPARATIONS DEBATE


    Following exciting developments on the international scene with regard to dishing out huge sums of money left right and centre, and demanding apologies forthwith from the living for crimes committed by the long dead and buried, it dawned on the stalwarts of the RGiE that they were sadly lagging behind in getting involved in the new pastime.

    An emergency debate was called and ministers prompted to search their consciences along with their family trees to see who could conceivably be called upon to compensate financially for their current psychotic behaviour and poverty-stricken existences.

    A study group was formed to examine the success of other African governments in this regard and the conclusions have been published in a 3-page report. The main points were read out to the assembled ministers:

    a. There are no success stories of any kind to be found in Africa, just lots of people grubbing in the dirt, neglecting to wipe their noses more than once a year and a few sitting on $10 billion worth of gold which they need to get out of the country onto some American's bank account for which they are offering a 10% share by e-mailing them.

    [An intermission was called for at this point after the minister at the dais was besieged by clamouring ministers waving bank deposit slips on which their account numbers had been hurriedly scribbled in pencil. Order was restored by the Chief Whip, who took his title literally and produced a sjambok with a dramatic flourish. Several ministers protested furiously, shouting "Are our faces black?"]

    b. Since every African country has at one time or another enslaved people from every other African country and none can currently afford to pay a phone bill, the best bet is to get a wealthy western country to do the honours. Since the RGiE are as poor as church mice this puts us on a par with every other African government and automatically entitles us to claim that some white western government has been oppressing us and should cough up. We have considered the matter at length and feel that the filthy rich Yanks will do nicely.

    c. Since valid reasons are never given anyway, it will be sufficient to point out that being white we feel that we are being discriminated against by never being allowed to play the role of victim and given an equal chance to cash in. Blacks always get to play the same role and this is not fair. We demand equal victim time and believe that blacks should play the oppressors for a change, especially on prime time TV and we also want the police chief in future movies to be a white guy, yelling at black cops, like in real life. And we demand that America have a white president again, not one who keeps going to mosques and synagogues and doing interviews with Oprah.

    d. At least one of the RGiE members has been taking lessons in droning ghetto doggerel and pointing accusingly at the viewers with splayed fingers and making sweeping hand gestures similar to trying to catch flies in front of their faces in the new tradition of popular music. This course was adopted only after suggestions that an African be recruited for the purpose on the grounds that they have a more intimate acquaintance with flies came to naught. The African candidates under consideration objected that it was not their custom to chase away flies searching for nasal fluids and that the whole idea looked suspiciously like another white man's scheme to spread AIDS. Their subsequent demands for compensation have been referred to the current Shona regime as Africa's longest practising experts on racism.

    e. A second proposal to recruit an African, bleach him white, and send him as a delegate to the Promote Racism Conference in Jamaica was reluctantly abandoned after a letter was received from a lawyer named Cochran pointing out that the patent for bleaching blacks white was held by his client and that he would furthermore sue if any attempt was made to employ a bleached woman since his client was busy patenting that image too. Any indiscriminate use of rubber appendages of any kind would lead to further litigation, as would attempts to scratch any itches in the groin region while singing or imitating a puppet being jerked. The letter pointed out maliciously that, despite being white, his client was black, and would therefore win any case automatically. The letter ended ominously with the admonition "they can get away with murder, you know."

    This letter was published on the RGiE website and resulted in a flood of spam offering various rubber implements and appendages for sale. The freebie samples received by the RGiE in the mail have mysteriously disappeared and all efforts to enquire if the female ministers knew where they went were met with dreamy-eyed self-satisfied sighs and shakes of the head. The Sheriff has indicated that if the evidence does not reappear he will have to make an in-depth investigation to get to the root of the matter. This plan was met with a variety of mystifying reactions from the female ministers, ranging from "Start rooting, big boy!" to "Not in my depths, you don't!"

    At the end of the debate the ministers voted unanimously to retire to the bar, satisfied that all the great traditions of African parliamentary sessions had been complied with - no big decisions made, everyone else and especially the Yanks blamed for any and all current problems in the world today; whatever it was we didn't do it; and everyone owes us big time for whatever it is they think they did to us in the past and which we know for a fact they did; the cause to end discrimination and racism being taken a step further towards its goal by calling every other race right bastards for not compensating us for the crimes of the fuzzy wuzzies back in whichever century it was. And the begging bowl got a good polish on the off chance that Blair or Bush might drop in.


  • Report from the Promote Racism Conference in Jamaica


    Interview with Al Sharpo, delegate to the Promote Racism Conference in Jamaica.

    RGiE journo: "Mr. Sharpo! May we have a few words about the conference please Sir?"
    Sharpo: "Yo bro, wassup?"
    RGiE journo: "Mr. Sharpo, is it true that you are laying a blanket charge of racism at the door of all whites in the world?"
    Sharpo: "Ah din' steal no blankets, de hotel's lyin! Where yo all from, boy, yo don' look black to me???"
    RGiE journo: "Well, I'm from Rho... er...Zimbabwe. We're the minority there, but I'm just as African as you are, sir."
    Sharpo: "Yo, gotcha, bro. Ain't never heard a da place, but dat ain't no never mind! We Affercuns gotta stick togedder. Slap it right dere! Yo all lookin a bit pale, mind. Yo all big fans of Jacko down dere in dat Zimbummerme, right? Jacko ain't black no mo' neither, know'msaying? Big trendsettuh, ol Jacko am..."
    RGiE journo: "Yes, sir, I believe he is. But we'd like to know your views on racist policies towards minorities."
    Sharpo: "racist cops? Where dey at? Hide de towels! RUN...!!!"
    RGiE journo: "No, no, sir, racist policies, not cops..."
    Sharpo: "Oh. Phew! Don' yo all say dem tings like dat, son, speak proper English, know'msaying! Right, racist. Minorrties. Yeah, ah knows all bout dem. Yo all a minorrty, yo say?"
    RGiE journo: "Yes sir, and we're being oppressed too. We'd like to know what you think of the white...."
    Sharpo: "Gotcha son, yo all bean ohppressed an discriminamated agin, right?"
    RGiE journo: "Right."
    Sharpo: "Well, dat ain' right son, dat's downright racism. Yo all need to overthrow that ohpressive ruler o' yours an' get a honest man at the top. He killin yo people an stealin yo land too?"
    RGiE journo: "Well, yes he is stealing land and farms, and he had about 20,000 people killed just after he came to power..."
    Sharpo: "Yessuh, Ah knowed it! A racist devil, no doubt 'bout it. He like all de res, killin an lootin over de backs of de poor ohpressd minorrty! Yo all told the Yewnited Nashuns yet? Where dis here Zimbummerme country o' yours at agin?"
    RGiE journo: "Middle of Africa, sir, and yes, we've complained to the UN, but they take no notice."
    Sharpo: "Ain dat jes de truth, son, dey all racists, dey leavin de po ohppressd monorrties to suffer while de fat cat get rich over dere backs! Dis here ruler o' Zimbumbley a racist devil, sho nuff. Killin yo people an stealin dere land, he belong up dere in de innernashinal peoples court wot Gennerul Haig set up in Belgium. He gotta go! Jes like dat dere MisterOstrich feller from Yugoslavya. Yessuh, down wit all racist ohpressuhs. What else he doin?"
    RGiE journo: "Well, sir, he's letting the people starve, he's planning genocide against one of the tribes, some of his people rape baby girls to cure AIDS and he's having the opposition killed so he can rig the elections, and..."
    Sharpo: "Whoa dere son! Enuff! Dis here racist devil man runnin de country an aint no-one doin nuttin bout it? Hell, even our racist persident don do nuttin dat bad! How dis here anoraknamism allowed to get way with it? Racism de evil o de ages, bro, we minorrties gotta stick togethuh, know'msaying? We gotta hep yo all get rid o dis here capillust pig. We all gotta dream and yo all is our bros in Africa, our roots, know'msaying, gotta call Johnny, he da MAN. He can hep yo all!"
    [fumbles with cell phone and dials]
    Sharpo: "Yo Cock! Wassup! Got a case for yo all. Yo, man, big bucks in it, racist leader in Zimdimbledy ohpressin de minorrty, yo all can't lose, bro! Jes a minute, I'll axe him.... Hey bro, got a Macdonalds an a Texaco an Shell an a Wall Mart an stuff in Zimbuggerme?"
    RGiE journo: "Yes, some of them, and some British companies..."
    Sharpo: "Yo Cock, bro, like ah said, big bucks out dere, easy pickins, dey all guilty! Yo de man, bro! Wait, I'll axe him agin... Hey bro, who dis racist devil in Zimbumblie?"
    RGiE journo: "His name's Mugabe."
    Sharpo: "Yo, Cock, de devil named Mugambe... huh?...he din' tell me dat! Yo, bro, sure nuff, gotcha. No deal huh? No big bucks down dere. Reggalar guy an he dun got all de bucks already. OK. Seeya."
    RGiE journo: "What did he say?"
    Sharpo: "Man, yo all wuz pullin mah leg. Johnny know who dis Zimbley guy am. An yo ain't no fan o Jacko. An Mugumbley cain't be no racist, bro, he black!"


  • Measure of Success

    From our parliamentary reporter.

    Some depressed whites in the RGiE have been grumbling about the apparent success of the current Zimbabwean government. Others have been accused of being overly jealous and envious of ZanuPF's glorious success in two short decades, compared with the failures of 90 years of white rule.

    "It's just not fair!" a disgruntled Minister of Native Affairs was heard to say as he gloomily pored over the latest news of farm thefts in Zimbabwe and the recent mysterious deaths of opposition members.

    "Look at this - no fuel in the country, half the population starving, thousands of deaths from AIDS per week, and no-one allowed to vote for whom they want or say what they want! The U.N. always said that's what we whites were trying to do, and we all know the U.N. never lies. What were we thinking of! We spent 90 years getting nowhere if you ask me! Why couldn't we come up with the idea of chucking 20,000 blacks down old coal mines, hey? Answer me that! Why couldn't we have thought of the idea of pinching all the farms and using them as holiday homes for cabinet ministers? We were so busy trying to be clever that we forgot all the easy methods, that's why! No, we had to go building farms, irrigating the land and growing millions of tons of food, too much for our own good even. No, this Mugabe chap has the right idea. Starve the country and get rid of half the blacks in one go. We never managed a fraction of that!"

    "We wasted millions of dollars on political campaigns, elections and economic policies. All the hassles of campaigning on TV, letting the media observe and criticise us, listening to foreign observers, educating people so they'd know how to vote and why. A waste of blooming time and money! Why didn't we just buy a few bullets and shoot the opposition? Spans of cash saved all round and everyone happy! No, course not, WE had to go and ignore a million years of African tradition and culture and be wise guys!"

    "And all that money spent on hospitals and health care... and campaigns to get rid of the Tsetse fly. Hell, who cares about malaria when you've got AIDS anyway? Money down the drain, that's what it was. Dipping all those cattle and spraying crops - that's not the way to get rid of all the blacks! Mugabe's got the right idea, I tell you. We were just bloody amateurs."

    "It's time we faced the facts. If we were trying to do what the U.N. says we were trying to do, and we all know the U.N. never lies, then we spent 90 years bumbling around and getting nowhere, thinking it was going to take 1,000 years, and Mugabe just keeps his nose clean - well, far as any African can - gets on with the job and does it all in a short 20 years! And that's despite the obstacles we put in his way - we doubled, trebled, the black population, just made it even harder for him to halve it again. But there's no flies on him... well, there are, all Africans love the little buggers... but you know what I mean. He cuts out all the PC crap like elections, economy, education, health, and so on, and gets the job done. Bang! Just like that - bang! bang! bang! No worries."

    "Of course, he's got it easier in some ways, have to admit that. WE try a spot of genocide and all those interfering busybodies in the Hague want to know why, then waste more millions of dollars and years and years to get everyone plonked in jail for solving the country's problems. Ridiculous the way we hamstring ourselves! Africa's got the right idea. Get enough genocides going in all corners of the continent and no-one's got the time or the cash to worry about who did which one, or why, and if they try to put all the politicians who did one in jail they wouldn't have room left for any other criminals. And why bother with jails to start with, the whole damn place already is a prison anyway, judging from the way everyone's trying to escape out of the continent into America and Europe, except maybe the Yankee negroes who want to go back and eat the roots there, or something. Leastways, that's what they say they want to do, get away from racist whites and go back to paradise. Don't know why it's taking them so long. I'd go if I was them. Get away from the rat race and back to where the rats lay around in the sun all day. That's the life! Spot of genocide when you get bored, pinch a farm when you need more space, shoot the bugger who votes against you and give the cops a high-five and borrow their spade to bury him. No worries with the neighbours either, they're dying like flies anyway. Now why couldn't WE have made life that simple and uncomplicated? Hey? You tell me that. Why weren't we as smart as this Mugabe chap?"

    "WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF IT FIRST?"


    RGiE AT PROMOTE RACISM CONFERENCE IN JAMAICA
    Special report by our roving all-ears correspondent

    Our reporter overheard the following exchange at the Conference.

    The RGiE delegation sauntered forth gaily from the hotel to the conference room where they were accosted by a "Native American" delegate. The conversation, as taped by our reporter, went thus:

    "Sorry, you are not allowed in, this is a conference to combat racism. No whites allowed!"
    "Listen ouboet, we are Africans from the RGiE."
    "No, no, you are not black, so you cannot be Africans. It is obligatory to be black to fight against racism."
    "Well, you're not black either, and if you're supposed to be an Indian, how come you're not red?"
    "Um, no, no, you do not understand, it is only the whites who are racist. We are protesting against you people treating us badly."
    "Get away with you, I've never met you before in my life. Besides, what colour is Michael Jackson then?"
    "Yes, well, he may be white, but he used to be black, so he's actually black...inside."
    "Just like you look brown, but you're actually red? Well, I look white but I'm actually black."
    "Yeah, right, and I'm Jesse Jackson!"
    "But he's black and you're brown...? Besides he's stinking rich, who oppressed him, hey? And what about Oprah - richest black woman in the world, hey?"
    "The whites, that's who. All whites are racist oppressors and discriminators..."
    "Michael Jackson's white."
    "...and all the blacks are downtrodden poor victims..."
    "Oprah's black."
    "Look, bugger off, that's why we don't want whites in the conference - you keep getting our facts mixed up, you don't understand what it's like to be oppressed, not have the vote, thrown in jail or have your land and homes taken away from you..."
    "Um, let me introduce myself again, I'm from the RGiE, native of what you might know of as Zimbabwe..."
    "See what I mean, whites bring ruin to Africa! Only blacks can run their own countries as they should be run."
    "Mugabe's black."
    "Whites are evil Devil's spawn, they've never done anything to help us poor blacks..."
    "Lincoln was white. Besides, you're brown..."
    "Look, I'm not white, so that means I'm oppressed and discriminated against, and poor! Even if I happen to be brown instead of black."
    "Tiger Woods is brown."
    "Now look here you racist pig, my car's waiting and my replacement's arrived. Talk to him, I'm going back to my hotel."
    "Hmmm, the white Mercedes over there? And the Chinese guy next to it? Are they both actually black too...?

Editorial Disclaimer:
Readers may on occasion notice vague similarities to living persons, of whom some may not yet be dead and in the public domain hereafter. This is entirely unintentional, even if you all have a fairly accurate sneaking suspicion of which person was not intended. Should you feel a sudden surge of recognition, please keep it to yourself or deposit in the nearest public facility.



NOTE
Letters to the editor will be accepted for publication in future issues. Please sign with your full name if expressing controversial opinions, and if resident in Zim, include directions for finding your house, where possible using old street names for the benefit of those older members of the CIO who have not quite mentally adjusted to the new order yet. A copy of your letter pasted in a front window, with a large painted arrow pointing at your front door would be greatly appreciated.

LETTERS
Letters for publication may be sent to THE EDITOR. All letters will be treated with the utmost, impartial, respect for freedom of speech, but we reserve the right to distort them where necessary, change wording at will, and otherwise reverse all opinions expressed in them. Profane letters will not be published, but will be placed in the editor's private collection along with any "artistic" photos of themselves that female readers may wish to contribute.

RGiE's Finnish stripper in action in front of an admiring crowd. See Working document Repatriations...

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Rugby Reporter Pissed Off!

A photo of the RGiE's resident rugby reporter, who happens to be CinC of the army as well also too, snapped in the act of handing over the ball to the RGiE's mascot for commencement of play at the recent international sponsored by the RGiE. It is rumoured that the CinC, who spent ages in front of the mirror beforehand, is considering legal action against the Herald photographer. The latter, rather miffed, complained in his defence that the CinC had only said "Make sure you just get the important people and things in the pic."

RGiE Journo Goes Undercover to "Promote Racism" Conference

The Herald's intrepid roving reporter in his amazingly authentic BAANPOC disguise and clobber. He was very ably assisted in his choice of raiments and make-up by the Minister of Gastronomy who, despite the lack of Zimmerframe parking facilities, put in hours of research at the Australian Cultural Art and Talking Movies Archives in order to locate authentic samples of contemporary BAANPOC fashion.

A candid shot of a member of the Rhodesian Armoured Corps after a successful clandestine raid on the SANDF School of Armour to "borrow" hardware for the new unit. Asked if he had had any problems infiltrating the location, the trooper, a new recruit, shrugged modestly and said "Ag no, man, we had a good map that the Aussie SAS chap drew for us after he scouted the area - man he was busy there until the crack of dawn, we thought he was never coming back. But he did, and he brung two local go-go girls along with him. We thought it was going to compromise the op, you know, but he just smiled and said "Itsh for cammiflage thingamajig shtuff, mate, a sheila a day keepsh the copsh away" - he was pretty hard to understand with that Ozzie accent an all, even without all the hiccoughing and burping, but he got the map done for us, real professional. See, he marked it on the map right there, inbetween the Irish Pub and the Museum of Armour..."

RECRUITNG DRIVE FOR RGiE Click for larger version


ALL AFRICAN SUPER CANNON FAILS
The much-vaunted All African "super cannon" underwent its first trial shoot in Zambia this week and ran into unexpected problems. Rumoured to be capable of lobbing a 500 kilo payload a distance of 100km with pinpoint accuracy, the cannon was pointed in the general direction of the suspected position of the "racist breakaway state of the RGiE somewhere south of us", as the Artillery General known by his chimpurenga name of "Uncle Joe Stealing" put it. Apparently the gunners, mystified by the disappearance of their one and only test shell, figured that a) it had been stolen or b) it was already loaded, and lowered one of their Shona gunsmithing experts down the 10 metre-long barrel to check, attached to a 5-metre length of rope which no-one remembered to hold onto... According to bystanders the unfortunate gunsmith screamed "It's loaded. Don't Fire!!" but as a somewhat crestfallen General Stealing pointed out "that's not what we heard. It's a long barrel and it echoes a lot..."

In the main street of nearby Harare, Mugabe was quoted as saying "We are not amused... but of course as everyone knows, it's the whites' fault and... " at which point our reporter left to catch his train, calling out "Don't worry, I've got that speech a hundred times over on tape in the archives. I'll just change the date on one..."

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